The Dance

Amazing how many steps and moves you have to go through socially. The conscious and unconscious things we do when among other people. How our perception of their perceptions of us have an effect on what we say or do. 

I am so very aware of this particular dance. There are times and places where the sheer stress of it makes me want to crawl into a dark place and just hide. Even now that I am older and wiser it occasionally sneaks up on me and I find myself avoiding contact.

I have never made friends easily. My caution comes from a very  young age. Where I felt a friend betrayed me. I found I could rarely give that trust to anyone else. Perhaps it stems from the fact that I was teased so badly in school that I can hardly remember a day that I did not cry or feel bad about myself. I felt powerless against their words, which contrary to the little sing-song saying "words will never hurt me," they did. I had a serious problem as a child, one that I had no control over. One that to this day I feel ashamed of. 

Those few friends I do have, well perhaps I lean on them a bit too much. I don't know, we never seem as close as I would like to be. So... I continue to ... dance.